I anticipated that being home would be hard, and I was right. It is not so much the reverse culture shock that is getting me, I DO wish everyone was speaking Romanian and that the grocery store didn't have to be inside with everything boxed, but I was expecting that and can handle it. It is the longing to be in a place that I can't be right now that makes it so difficult!
I love my family, and friends, and the support network I have here, but it isn't where I feel like I am supposed to be! I feel like God is calling me to be in Moldova and I hate feeling like I am not listening to God by being in the states. I'm really really trying to trust in the wisdom of the WMF Staff from Moldova. I do trust them, and I know that I am not the only one who is capable of listening to God and discerning what he wants. It is just extremely hard to trust in that when I so strongly believe that that is the place I am supposed to be right now!
I have had dreams every (and I mean every) night since I have been home of things that I could have done differently so that I could have stayed. I don't allow myself to think about it during the day very much, so I think my longing comes out at night. The other night I dreamed that I decided to live homeless in Chisinau (an idea which did actually cross my mind at the time, lol). I just feel like there are so many "if only" situations, that maybe I could still be there!
When I do allow myself to think about it during the day, I spend my time teaching myself Romanian and/or looking up opportunities for people to live and work in Chisinau. I have found every international school in the city, looked at Youth for Christ International, and even things that I could do with the American Embassy over there. In my heart though, I know I want to go back with Word Made Flesh, and maybe I will be able to someday. I am just impatient.
It just hurts. Being human really hurts. It hurts to feel unwanted and to feel abandoned. It hurts to feel jealous and lonely. It hurts to feel like you are not valuable. I am trying to hard to remind myself that all of those things are lies. I am not unwanted, abandoned, or alone. I have lots of value and no need to be jealous because God has great things for me! I am trying, but some days I don't do so well.
Right before all of this happened in Chisinau I began to pray that God would humble me. I felt like I was becoming a bit prideful and leaning on my own strength instead of God's. I vocalized this to both my team mates and one of my good Moldovan friends. They all prayed for me, and I prayed for it too. He did not humble me in the way I expected Him to at all! I never meant that I wanted to leave, but that's what happened, and believe me I have been humbled!
I do think joy and hope are really important things though! I think that joy and hope are what keep us moving, what keep us motivated. Its kind of fun to look for joy in places where joy is not obvious. It is really healing to search for hope in places of despair. And it is freeing to trust in God and not rely on my own abilities to accomplish things and heal brokenness. Maybe that is what god wanted for me in all of this mess.
I love my family, and friends, and the support network I have here, but it isn't where I feel like I am supposed to be! I feel like God is calling me to be in Moldova and I hate feeling like I am not listening to God by being in the states. I'm really really trying to trust in the wisdom of the WMF Staff from Moldova. I do trust them, and I know that I am not the only one who is capable of listening to God and discerning what he wants. It is just extremely hard to trust in that when I so strongly believe that that is the place I am supposed to be right now!
I have had dreams every (and I mean every) night since I have been home of things that I could have done differently so that I could have stayed. I don't allow myself to think about it during the day very much, so I think my longing comes out at night. The other night I dreamed that I decided to live homeless in Chisinau (an idea which did actually cross my mind at the time, lol). I just feel like there are so many "if only" situations, that maybe I could still be there!
When I do allow myself to think about it during the day, I spend my time teaching myself Romanian and/or looking up opportunities for people to live and work in Chisinau. I have found every international school in the city, looked at Youth for Christ International, and even things that I could do with the American Embassy over there. In my heart though, I know I want to go back with Word Made Flesh, and maybe I will be able to someday. I am just impatient.
It just hurts. Being human really hurts. It hurts to feel unwanted and to feel abandoned. It hurts to feel jealous and lonely. It hurts to feel like you are not valuable. I am trying to hard to remind myself that all of those things are lies. I am not unwanted, abandoned, or alone. I have lots of value and no need to be jealous because God has great things for me! I am trying, but some days I don't do so well.
Right before all of this happened in Chisinau I began to pray that God would humble me. I felt like I was becoming a bit prideful and leaning on my own strength instead of God's. I vocalized this to both my team mates and one of my good Moldovan friends. They all prayed for me, and I prayed for it too. He did not humble me in the way I expected Him to at all! I never meant that I wanted to leave, but that's what happened, and believe me I have been humbled!
I do think joy and hope are really important things though! I think that joy and hope are what keep us moving, what keep us motivated. Its kind of fun to look for joy in places where joy is not obvious. It is really healing to search for hope in places of despair. And it is freeing to trust in God and not rely on my own abilities to accomplish things and heal brokenness. Maybe that is what god wanted for me in all of this mess.
